i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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