Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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