she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
