Where is the hickey?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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