Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
