So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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