careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
