to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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