I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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