I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
