just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just had sex on a roof
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
