he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
