you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
