i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
