Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
