I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
