he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
