the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
