Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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