someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
