why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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