turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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