If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
