I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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