Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
