wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
