I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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