My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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