Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
