did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
