6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
