Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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