I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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