I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
