Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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