On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
