i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
