if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
