I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My ATM looks so different sober.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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