Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
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