Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
