I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
