We're facebook friends in real life
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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