Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
