pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
