Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
