make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
