fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
