if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
