someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
